Emperor Calvin!
by Kalvin
Summary: Here is Chapter 2 of Emperor Calvin!
1. Emperor Calvin Week 1!

The following is set up as a script for comic newspaper format, Sunday through Friday. Warning – this gets kind of political...  
  
SUNDAY (Color Strip)  
  
TITLE PANEL: (Bird's eye view of ancient Roman gladiator arena filled with spectators)  
  
PANEL TWO: (Calvin shown in Roman Emperor's clothes entering arena)  
CALVIN: The crowd gasps as the Emperor Calvin unexpectedly chooses to enter gladiator combat in the arena of doom. A visage akin to that of a Roman God, he walks fearlessly unknowing of what horrors await...  
  
PANEL THREE: (Looking across arena the Emperor Calvin sees a great gate lifting. All that can be seen in the blackness of the portal is a pair of huge eyes and immense white teeth with giant fangs)  
CALVIN: What beast lies in wait for the Emperor Calvin? Even the darkness cannot hide its ugliness. Its foul stench can be smelt from halfway across the arena. Show yourself vile creature! Face the Emperor Calvin lest I be unkind in your death!  
  
PANEL FOUR: (Immense ugly tiger-monster appears with teeth larger than Calvin's whole body)  
CALVIN: (Ready to pounce on creature) EGAD! The creature is uglier than it is foul!!  
CREATURE: (Speaking creepily) *Ugly? Foul?*  
CALVIN: ZOUNDS! The creature speaks! This can only be the foul magic of the evil witch next door they call Suzius!  
  
PANEL FIVE: (Shows Calvin on top of Hobbes in living room. Calvin has Hobbes in chokehold)  
HOBBES: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? First you call me ugly, then I'm smelly. Now you're choking me. Get off!!  
CALVIN: Silence, bewitched creature! You have no chance against the Emperor Calvin without your demon-witch to help you!!  
  
PANEL SIX: (Shows Calvin and Hobbes tumbling and fighting, worried look on Calvin's face)  
HOBBES: The only help I need with you is directions to the psycho- ward, nutcase!!  
CALVIN: ...GASP!...This beast must have enchanted strength! The crowd gasps as the Emperor loses ground!!  
  
PANEL SEVEN: (shows Hobbes on top of Calvin, eyes angry and grinning teeth close to Calvin's face)  
HOBBES: You know the best thing about Roman crowds? They're bloodthirsty!  
CALVIN: It looks like it could be the end for Emperor Calvin! Will the beast devour him? Or will the heroic Emperor turn the tables? Tune in next time to find out!!  
  
LAST PANEL: (Hobbes still on Calvin, face even closer to Calvin's, Calvin struggling/grimacing)  
CALVIN: GASP! I...AH...GASP...I SAID...T-TUNE IN...GASP!...N-NEXT TIME...  
HOBBES: I hate cliffhangers. Let's see what happens now. Oooo!! Look! I see thumbs-down from the crowd!!  
  
MONDAY (B&W Strip)  
  
PANEL ONE: (Calvin seated at dinner table looking at bowl in front of him)  
MOM: (off camera) Stop staring at your lunch and eat it Calvin.  
CALVIN: What is this, soup? Emperors eat grapes. And you're supposed to pluck the grapes and hand-feed them to me.  
  
PANEL TWO:  
MOM: Calvin, you ate all the grapes yesterday. Now eat your soup before it gets cold.  
CALVIN: Well then at least pluck the soup and hand-feed me.  
  
PANEL THREE:  
MOM: Calvin, I couldn't "pluck" the soup if I wanted to. You need a spoon to eat soup.  
CALVIN: SIMPLETON! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING?? Freeze it into cubes, THEN pluck them and feed them to me!!  
  
PANEL FOUR: (Calvin fuming in bedroom)  
CALVIN: And so the Emperor Calvin is exiled to his own dungeon. The irony. Hmmm...His Excellency is hungry. Where did he stash those fruit roll- ups?  
  
TUESDAY (B&W Strip)  
  
PANEL ONE:  
CALVIN: Hobbes! Look at these new cool Roman swords and stuff I got from Kids-"N"-Toys! We got these just in time! Rosalyn is coming over to baby-sit tonight. Now we have the arms to fight off her tyranny!  
HOBBES: We're Romans now??  
  
PANEL TWO:  
CALVIN: I'm Emperor and you're 1st Centurion Hobbes. Now put on this gear and...  
HOBBES: Wait a minute, why do you get to be Emperor? I think "Emperor Hobbes" has a better ring...  
  
PANEL THREE:  
CALVIN: (Examining what looks like a scroll) Because as it says here in ancient Roman law and provisional governmental scrolls, "A tiger or any other animal shall not hold the rank of Emperor within Roman lands."  
HOBBES: So where does it say that a tiger can be Centurion?  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
CALVIN: My first act as Emperor will be to amend Roman law making it possible for you to serve me as Centurion! Isn't that great?  
HOBBES: Okay then, my first act as Centurion will be to amend my foot into your butt.  
  
WEDNESDAY (B&W Strip)  
  
PANEL ONE:  
CALVIN: Well I told Mom that Rosalyn is an evil dictator who needed to be deposed, and asked her if I could use my Roman Legion to remove her from power. She got mad and sent me to my room. So here's how we're gonna to get rid of Rosalyn...  
  
PANEL TWO:  
HOBBES: Wait a minute, we're still deposing her after all that? Then why did you bother even asking her??  
  
PANEL THREE:  
CALVIN: Hobbes, you couldn't possibly begin to fathom the intricacies and complications of Roman politics. You should just be glad you have a strong leader like me who will stand up to evil tyrants like Rosalyn! That's why the people love me as their leader!  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
HOBBES: But the people didn't choose you. This is a dictatorship.  
CALVIN: Of course it's a dictatorship! Could you imagine what moron would be in charge if we let the people decide?!  
  
THURSDAY (B&W Strip)  
  
PANEL ONE:  
CALVIN: (Studying map with back to Hobbes.) You know the secret to a good Emperor is strategy. Yes sir. See here Hobbes, this is a map of the layout where Rosalyn will be downstairs. Always prepared, Hobbes. That's what Emperors are. You know, that was Caesar's problem. All ambition but no preparation. See, that's what got him assassinated. That and his narcissistic megalomania with thinking he was God-like and all. (Hobbes shown taking toy sword out of scabbard behind Calvin)  
  
PANEL TWO: (Hobbes shown behind Calvin with sword in the air about to stab Calvin)  
CALVIN: Yes sir, those closest to Caesar did not like him as Emperor one bit. He was actually killed by those closest to him and...HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SWORD??!!!?!!!  
  
PANEL THREE:  
HOBBES: (pretending to study sword) ...Oh, er, ah, just admiring the workmanship. Was this, uh, model forged in the downtown district?...Um, looks pretty good...  
CALVIN: ...(Looking at Hobbes with worried face)  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
CALVIN: Okay fine you can be co-Emperor.  
HOBBES: Alright! Will you show me that Emperor look you give where you act like everyone around you is a moron?  
CALVIN: Sure, I'm looking at you that way right now.  
  
FRIDAY (B&W Strip)  
  
PANEL ONE:  
CALVIN:(Studying map with Hobbes) Okay, here's where Rosalyn is always talking on the phone downstairs. Step one of our assault will be the "Shock and Awe" campaign. So for step one I am running downstairs, jumping on the table in front her, and pulling down my pants. That will really shock and awe her!!  
  
PANEL TWO:  
HOBBES: Okay, so she's shocked. What next?  
CALVIN: Next starts the "Ground Assault". So when she reaches to grab me, I jump to the ground and assault her ankles! Hobbes it will be your job to push her over then.  
  
PANEL THREE:  
HOBBES: Hmm. Sounds good so far. What's next?  
CALVIN: Well after the "Ground Assault" we need to "Secure the Area". So I'm going to secure her up with her own telephone cord! HA HA!!  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
HOBBES: This might work. But what happens if she breaks free?  
CALVIN: "Exit Strategy". We run for the hills.  
  
*end of week 1*  
  
So there you have it. If reaction is good I may do another week.  
  
-Kalvin 


	2. Emperor Calvin Week 2!

Hey thanks for all the great reviews everybody. I hope you all enjoy week two of Emperor Calvin!  
  
SUNDAY (color strip, eight panels)  
  
TITLE PANEL: (Calvin's Mom and Dad shown in drive-way beside car. Rosalyn shown walking up drive-way)  
MOM: Oh, Rosalyn, hello, you're here! The front door's open, you can go right inside. Calvin promises to behave, and as usual we are paying you triple.  
  
ROSALYN: Of course. And??  
  
DAD: ...And as you asked I talked to the friend at work I told you about. Just mention your name at the register and you will get 20% off on anything in the store.  
  
PANEL TWO  
ROSALYN: Okay. Keep going.  
  
MOM: And we talked to our insurance company. You are completely covered in case of bodily injury and/or damaged or stolen personal items.  
  
DAD: And there's a pizza coming in an hour and yes you can call as much long distance as you want. ...*SIGH*...  
  
PANEL THREE: (Cut to scene inside front door. Calvin is in huddle with Hobbes. Both are wearing toy Emperor swords, scabbards and shields. Calvin's back is to the door)  
CALVIN: (To Hobbes) The fate of the Roman Empire depends on us now, co- Emperor Hobbes. We can run cowardly from the tyranny of evil, and probably exist miserably for a few more years...or we can stand against it now and truly live!! Now first we have to... (Shadow of Rosalyn envelopes Calvin & Hobbes)  
HOBBES: AHHHH!! SHE'S HERE ALREADY!! LOOK BEHIND Y....  
  
PANEL FOUR: (HOBBES TURNS TO STONE)  
CALVIN: (BACK TO ROSALYN) Hobbes? HOBBES!!! (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {...Hobbes turned to STONE!! This can only be the work of the evil monster of Greek mythology Medusa!! What will Emperor Calvin do?? He cannot turn to face his enemy lest he too be turned to stone!!}  
  
PANEL FIVE  
ROSALYN: Calvin, look. The two of us have to spend the evening together, so we might as well...Calvin look at me when I'm talking.  
CALVIN: (BACK STILL TO ROSALYN) SURE SNAKE-LADY, YOU'DE LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU!!!??!  
  
PANEL SIX  
ROSALYN: Why you little...Calvin turn around!!  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {The evil Medusa tries to bewitch the Emperor Calvin to turn and face her! The spell is difficult to resist but his Excellency endures! Any other Roman citizen would be caught unawares by her enchantments and be turned to stone by now, but as always Emperor Calvin comes prepared!!} (Calvin shown pulling something out from scabbard belt)  
  
PANEL SEVEN (Calvin whips around, points mirror at Rosalyn while covering his eyes)  
ROSALYN: Calvin what...where did you get that??  
CALVIN: HA!! LOOK IN THIS MIRROR AND SEE HOW UGLY YOU ARE FREAK!! NOT VERY PRETTY, ARE YOU?? DON'T WORRY, IT'S SHATTER-PROOF! HA HA!! LOOK AT YOURSELF AND TURN TO STONE!!  
  
LAST PANEL: (Cut to scene outside: parents seated inside car, still in drive-way)  
DAD: Ah, finally, free for the night. Looks like we won't miss our reservation time for once! Now let's just pull out of this drive-way and...Uh, Honey, where did our rear-view mirror go??  
  
MONDAY (B&W STRIP, 4 PANELS)  
  
PANEL ONE: (Scene - Calvin in bedroom with stone-Hobbes)  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {Curses. The evil Medusa managed to ensnare me in my own stockade. Co-Emperor Hobbes is still bewitched in stone, and the beast Medusa has declared the tiger-Emperor will stay that way forever if I attempt escape. Hmmm..What would Nero do were he in my shoes...?}  
ROSALYN: KNOCK KNOCK (Knocking on door, Talk bubble showing at door) Calvin, I've got some pizza for you.  
  
PANEL TWO:(Rosalyn enters room with pizza)  
CALVIN: (Puts on pair of mirror-sunglasses) Ha! Your stone spell will not work on me whilst I wear this enchanted mirror-visor foul beast! You might have turned Hobbes here into stone, but bewitching an Emperor as clever as myself will not prove such an easy task!!  
ROSALYN: HA! Cute shades. Hey kid, the 1980's called. They want their sunglasses back.  
  
PANEL THREE:  
ROSALYN: Hey as long as your tiger is "stone", I guess he won't mind a little costume change! (Rosalyn takes her scarf and earrings and puts them on Hobbes)  
CALVIN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! IT IS A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY DEATH TO LAY HANDS ON AN EMPEROR, FOOLISH CREATURE!! HOW DARE Y....heh heh! Hey he looks like a tiger-pirate! HA HA!!  
  
PANEL FOUR: (Cut to scene later that evening, Hobbes is being dressed up in Mom's clothes)  
CALVIN: Hey the bra needs more stuffing. And layer on that lipstick heavier. This will be so funny when Hobbes snaps out of this spell! HA HA! You know, you're all right, Snake-lady!  
ROSALYN: Do me a favor Calvin. Don't call me Snake-lady.  
CALVIN: Sure-thing, Reptile-face.  
  
TUESDAY  
  
PANEL ONE: (Scene -Emperor Calvin seated in great ancient Roman hall full of different tribal factions seated at many small tables)  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {Ah, the meeting of the Roman alliance has begun! Look at all the allies of Rome around me! The Huns. The Mongols. Visigoths. With their power combined with Rome's, none can stand against us!!}  
  
PANEL TWO: (Scene changes. Roman alliance members become students, the Alliance Speaker becomes Miss Wormwood)  
MISS WORMWOOD: ...Calvin! Would you care to come up to the board and work out the answer?  
CALVIN: Certainly, Miss Speaker! (Calvin shown walking to front)  
  
PANEL THREE: (CALVIN FURIOUSLY DRAWING MAP ON BOARD)  
CALVIN: You see, the enemy marches through the mountains to engage the Huns in battle here! Their supply line is no doubt strung along this mountain pass. Once the Mongols engage the enemy with a feign attack from the north HERE, the enemy's main shock force will be distracted, leaving the supply line open and vulnerable to attack from the Visigoths HERE! With this simple plan Rome will share victory with all who ally with us!  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
MISS WORMWOOD: No, the answer was eleven. Calvin, do you EVER pay attention?  
CALVIN: Yes Miss Speaker, of course I have a back-up plan! Allow me to illustrate...  
  
WEDNESDAY  
  
PANEL ONE: (Scene - Emperor Calvin in ancient Roman courtyard filled with tribal chiefs and kings of various sorts)  
CALVIN: And so a short recess is called for the Roman alliance meeting. Now is the time to engage in clever repartee with the various alliance members. Ah, here comes Moe the Barbarian from the Mongol tribe...  
  
PANEL TWO: (Scene alters to show Calvin at school playground with other children. Calvin is wearing his toy scabbard, sword, and shield)  
MOE: Nice toy-sword, baby! Did your Mommy buy that for you?  
CALVIN: What, this? No, it's actually a divining rod, which points out the smartest kids on the playground. Here, allow me to demonstrate -- let me just switch this thing on...HEY! What's this?! It's pointing to you!! I've never seen a signal so strong!  
  
PANEL THREE  
MOE: (Suddenly interested) ...What? Me? Really?  
CALVIN: Oh, wait, no, here's the problem - I had the polarity reversed! Heh heh, wow, I was way off! How embarrassing! Um, Moe I didn't know you had a lobotomy...  
  
PANEL FOUR: (Shows Calvin beat up in heap on ground)  
CALVIN: That's the problem with Mongols. No sense of humor.  
  
THURSDAY  
  
PANEL ONE: (SCENE - Large Roman banquet hall full of various Rome alliance members dining)  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {Now comes the time for the Rome alliance to feast! Hmmm...his Excellency usually brings with him his own meals in case of poisoning attempts to the Emperor's food. This meal seems to have the look of everyone else's, but one can never tell. WAIT! Emperor Calvin gets an idea!!}  
  
PANEL TWO: (Scene changes to school lunchroom. Calvin sits by Susie)  
CALVIN: (Pointing) SUSIE LOOK OVER THERE!! Miss Wormwood took off her wig!!  
  
PANEL THREE:  
SUSIE: (Looks) What?! Where? I didn't know Miss Wormwood wore a wig! Wait, there she is...  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) {Now let me just switch these meals} (Shown switching meals with Susie)  
  
PANEL FOUR:  
SUSIE: (Looking back at Calvin) She looks the same! What are you talking about?  
CALVIN: Oh, never mind, I'm just seeing things. Well, time to eat up Susie!! Hope you like the taste of poison! HA HA!! I hear it tastes like bitter almonds! HA HA!!  
SUSIE: ...What? CALVIN WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FOOD??!!  
  
FRIDAY  
  
PANEL ONE: (Calvin arriving home after school, bus is driving away, Calvin walking up sidewalk to front door)  
  
PANEL TWO: (Scene changes - Calvin turns into Emperor Calvin, door changes into great gate)  
CALVIN: Once again, Emperor Calvin finds himself about to enter the gladiator pit of doom. But this time he knows the great ugly Tiger-monster waits in ambush! Hmm...perhaps Emperor Calvin can goad the monster into coming out of hiding!  
  
PANEL THREE: (Scene changes again to normal Calvin)  
CALVIN: (Yelling at door) HEY YOU INSIDE THERE!! WHISKER-FACE!! DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO! I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR BIG FAT BUTT UP IN THE AIR READY TO POUNCE ON ME!! WELL IT WON'T WORK THIS TIME SO YOU CAN JUST COME OUT NOW!!  
  
PANEL FOUR: (Shows Calvin's Mother on inside of door)  
CALVIN: (His voice coming through door) HEY UGLY!! YOU IN THERE!! YES I'M TALKING TO YOU BRAINLESS!!  
MOM: (Looking angry walking to door) Oh I can't wait to hear this one. 


End file.
